Feelin' Chalky

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

The Dark

Everyone has a past.  Everyone has things about themselves that they don't like...that they fear...that they want to hide.  Everyone has a "dark" side.  Typically we present out lighter selves to the world - put our best feet forward, smile, and stuff the darkness back in...but sometimes that darkness creeps out here and there.  And sometimes we just get tired of stuffing things inside.  I'm tired.

So why bring this up on a blog that deals with health and weight loss you might say?  Well...it's simple.  When you start peeling back the layers of your self, losing weight, getting healthy, you start to feel a need to also shed some emotional baggage.  In fact, I think that my emotional baggage outweighs my physical baggage at this point.  And that is what I am being led to focus on at the present. I have been stuck for a while now, and the more I pray and read and hear and think the more I am seeing that I'm not going to press forward without admitting to myself and the world who I really am.  It doesn't mean that I have to like it and it doesn't mean that I can't or shouldn't work on changing some of it, but I do know that until I embrace all of ME...I'm not going to reach my ultimate goal - [INCREDIBLE] wellness (which just happens to be the name of my business...yes, shameless plug).

I am not going to attempt to rationalize anything or explain myself either.  Yes, I believe that God made all parts of us - good and bad - for a purpose.  And I do believe that our weaknesses keep us humble and reliant on the One who created us.  I see some of my weaknesses and realize how they help me to cope with the life I have been given...and others...I'm not so sure.  Today I am merely shedding light on the dark parts...admitting my imperfections...and then I am going to stop pretending to be someone I am not.  I am done acting.  I am done trying to please everyone - it's impossible anyway,  and I am surely done with feeling bad for my shortcomings.

Some things you will read are fears that I hold and some are things about my character or personality that I don't like.  I'm not going to tell you which is which.  It doesn't matter.  Mostly it's just emotional baggage of some kind or another that I am ready to release.

This is my catharsis.
I am messy, disorganized, lazy, and scattered.  My mind races 24 hours a day. I am consumed with worry most of the time.  My house is always dirty.  I have a tendency toward selfishness.  I yell at my kids.  I am inept at being a parent and I truly at times just can't handle the amount of responsibility that has been placed on my shoulders.  When I am overwhelmed I try to hide - from friends, from responsibility, from life.  I am driven less by passion and more by fear.  I hate being judged - thinking about it makes me ill.  I am angry at the lies that our government tells us about our food, our education, and our health.  At one time or another I have lied, cheated, or stolen.  I hate when someone questions my intelligence or makes me feel inferior.  I am a control freak...and when I can't control something or someone I get angry.  

Ahhh...doesn't that make you feel all warm and fuzzy?  Yeah. Me too (*sarcasm*).  As much as I'd like to take back the paintbrush and start painting happy trees - telling you all of the good things about me - I'm not going to.  That's the purpose of this post.  I need to be OK knowing that everyone is now reading the "bad" things I wrote.  I need to own them so that I can move past them.  I encourage anyone out there who is feeling "stuck" in life to do something similar.  Just write some things down and give it to your spouse, friend, parent, child, pet (haha) etc.  I feel better already - I think.

And to update you on my raw food cleanse...

I am still trying to eat at least 2 raw meals per day - whether it is a smoothie or juice or some other raw meal concoction.  It has been harder for me this week for some reason.  I'm not sure if the emotional junk (see above) is zapping my energy or if it is the things I am eating (or not eating).  Surely it is because I need to eat more chocolate, right?  I mean, that's got to be the problem! ;-)

Until next time...